Now starting a sporadic chronicle of things that OCD is NOT going to stop me from doing!
#1- OCD will not be the brute in my brain that bullies me out of reading! I WON’T re-read words/sentences/punctuation over & over & over & over & over again.
TAKE THAT! {Insert coolest karate kid air chop imaginable}
“The thing about mental illnesses is people just expect you to deal with it and shut up.” -Unknown
I was 11 or 12 when I wrote this note to myself. It was self documentation but really because I was terrified. It was soon after I had completed an intensive treatment program at a hospital a few hours from home and had spent the summer going back and forth from home to hospital daily for the extent of that summer.
I remember money being tight and our dollars were stretched thin but this treatment was possible for me because they were doing a special trial study dealing with children taking placebos vs real medications and were paying participants. The entire experience was traumatic.
At first I seriously thought my parents were shipping me off to a mental institution. When I realized I was allowed to come home at the end of every day I was relieved but still felt compromised by my parents for allowing me to be someone’s guinea pig in their scientific studies.
I had to learn to swallow pills. I practiced swallowing little balled up pieces of bread and then mixing then together with the pill so I could tell my mind I was in fact just swallowing little bits of bread. I also had to get my blood drawl to test my health before and after the study, which has always been a traumatic ordeal for me. Through that I learned of a few other non threatening medical issues I had which left me petrified with fear for at the time death and dying were major issues of my OCD fear.
Over the course of this study I engaged in CBT therapy. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. I made great strides and accomplished great things. To this day CBT is the solution for me and my OCD.
Here’s an excerpt from the letter I wrote . Some words from my younger self.
“I’ve gone and done treatment, I have also accomplished great things and conquered OCD but as time has gone by and weekly visits have stopped OCD has sneakily slipped back into my life. I’m back to square one, moody all the time, grumpy, frustrated, and most of all hopeless. I know if I work hard enough I can go back to where I was but some how OCD being the liar that it is tells me it’s to hard, it’s no use, I can’t do it. As much as I try I can’t muster the fire with in me to put my foot down and start bossing back. OCD is like an army of a million warriors and me with no one else is fighting against it. Like David and Goliath. I know I have a support system but I really feel I’m the one that has to start the battle before anyone else can join in the fight! I just need the motivation to get me going. I can back my correct thinking with facts like if I don’t start fighting back OCD will continue to get stronger and will make my battle harder. I have to know, not just know but apply he thought of David vs Goliath. David was one person and Goliath had a whole large army! The difference was that David had God on his side and I have to know that I have God on my side. So I can and will win this battle AGAIN and stick with it this time. I realize now that you have to stick with your practice to succeed in the long run.”
Looking back I am so proud of my little self. I admire and am even inspired by that little voice that was, that is me.
Over the years, several doctors visits, several specialists and several psychologists (and psychiatrists) visits later I have a collection of work sheets that have helped me over the years that I’d like to take the opportunity to share. Whether you’ve never had the opportunity to go see someone professionally or even just have some mild OCD symptoms these worksheets can really be beneficial.
All fingers crossed some other people can benefit from these as well! My parents paid a lot of money for these pieces of paper. (Giggle giggle)
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If anyone had any questions about the above work sheets I’d be happy to explain further. Just comment below with any questions.
OCD isn't me 